Hello again dear readers. Lost is back, so that means it’s time to shake the dust off and come out of my blogging hibernation. Speaking of hibernation, does everyone know that when bears hibernate they eat a bunch of tree bark, leaves, and grass to create a natural butt plug to prevent accidents during their seasonal nap? I kind of did the same thing during this time off from TVZ blogging…but…hrm. How do I explain this without sounding weird? Ah, never mind. Another time, maybe.

Is everyone as pumped as I am for the new season?! I’m sure, like me, to commemorate this season’s premiere you also stripped naked, cozied into your Snuggee ©, and drank seventeen bottles of Bartles and James Fuzzy Navel wine coolers before settling in for the show.

My original intention was to write a really in depth analysis of the episode, but I think it goes without saying that I was completely drunk while I watched the premiere this season. Just something about those BJ’s Fuzzies. You may think it’s an image thing and that I was only drinking them to be cool, but I assure you that I was alone…painfully alone…so I was chugging them back just for their sheer delishitude. Feel free to borrow that adjective, by the way.

Anyhoo, what follows was my attempt at uncovering some new questions the premiere posed, as this show so loves to do.

These are taken directly from my notes as I watched the premiere. I don’t even really remember it anymore, so just keep in mind that these questions, and possible subsequent revelations, were blowing my BJ saturated brain meats.

Here’s an idea. Before reading the rest of this blog, I think it may be a good idea to get really good and hammered. That will assure my analysis is as thought provoking as I intended.

…aaaannnnnd….GO!

New Lost Premiere Questions:

Why does the Dharma guy introduce himself as Dr. Marvin Candle in the orientation film, and then broseph in the hard hat calls him Dr. Chang? Is “Hardhat” a racist that calls all people of Asian descent Dr. Chang?

Why is Charles Manson working at the Orchid station? I thought he wasn’t supposed to get parole.

Was Jack’s beard easier to shave off because it was pubes?

Why is Sawyer’s neck so hairy and his chest so bald? Does it have to do with him jumping out of that helicopter? If so, why didn’t his beard get shattered off upon impact, too? Is his beard unhinged in time?!

Is the identity of the client of those two dudes that came for the blood sample from Kate and Aaron possibly Maury Povich. Have the paternity testing episodes jumped the shark and now he’s moved on to maternity testing?

If you smack a ginger bitch in the forest and no one is there to see it, does she make a sound? (Probably…and it’ll be annoying.)

Has Locke been exposed to too much electromagnetic energy that he’s become a bullet magnet?

Why did the gunman at the safe house shoot curl activator darts at Sayid? Does he take offense to men flat ironing their hair?

At this point my notes become completely illegible and I eventually passed out. I don’t really remember what happened in the rest of the episode, but I’m sure it was some good tv. Anyone know how to get vomit stains out of a Snugee? Maybe I should get a Shamwow.

See you next week!