Michael and Holly broke up in the last episode. They chose their jobs over each other, so maybe it wasn’t meant to be in the first place. Instead of returning to tell the office the truth, Michael tells everyone that they are getting married. A bold face lie designed to save face. It doesn’t last very long as everyone piles into his office to congratulate him. They make him call his mother on speakerphone to break the news. She doesn’t believe him like always, and rightly so, as he reveals that it was just a horribly planned psyche out. At this point nobody even questions him. Just business as usual.

Kelly decided to buy a white bridesmaid dress on sale. So when she hands over customer surveys, she tries to slip in the receipt so Michael will cover the difference. Instead, he tosses it into his special filing cabinet in front of her face.

While Jim explains that he needs a good review to get a great bonus, we find out that Jim and Pam have bought the world’s tiniest bluetooth headsets, so they can stay connected throughout the entire day. They’re so adorable, awww. Not such a big awww? Dumpy is back in this episode. If everyone remembers from the first episode, Dumpy is one of Pam’s classmates. He’s a pseudo-Jim. But dumpier. Thus, the cleverly aforementioned title of Dumpy. So, Dumpy is with Pam at a coffee shop, he asks her what she wants on her coffee. Jim and Pam say “sprinkles with cinnamon” at the same time. See? Meant for each other. BACK OFF, DUMPY!

Dwight and Michael are going over Dwight’s surveys. To no surprise, it turns out that he has pretty horrible reviews. Okay, maybe it’s a bit of a surprise. Dwight is an excellent salesman, even if he has horrible social skills with those closest to him. He wonders if it’s a joke. Michael asks him if it looks like he’s joking. “No, but sometimes that’s part of it.”

Jim’s getting some coffee when Andy comes in and brags about his great survey scores. Then, he notices that Jim is drinking from Andy’s coffee cup. Jim gives him a bad time, which probably isn’t the best thing to do, considering Andy’s gradual return to his Hulk anger.

“Dude! That is my face!”

Back at his desk, Jim finds out that Andy isn’t the only irritable one. Dwight is steaming. Jim is relaying all this to Pam, when Dwight notices his mumbling. Dwight suspects he is being sabotaged. Jim retorts that maybe he just needs to be nicer to his customers. “You’re an idiot.” “There’s the charm.” And then Jim is called into Michael’s office for his survey review…

Turns out Jim’s scores are poopy too. Jim immediately turns off his bluetooth, so Pam can’t listen in. People find Jim to be “smudge and arrogant.” To which Jim smugly and arrogantly corrects Michael. Jim needs the bonus bad, because he’s thinking about buying his parents house for him and Pam to live in. There’s a quick topical joke about our current economic issues, which is perfectly delivered. Jim turns his headset back on and relays the info. Pam suggests that maybe it’s because he spent the whole year flirting with the receptionist. “Little bit. Worth it.” Indeed, sir.

Michael decides he needs to micromegant Dwight and Jim. So, he brings them into the conference room to do some fake sales calls to each other. The first one is Jim as the customer, Bill Buttlicker. Then it all descends into a situation where Michael and Dwight are treating it as an actual sales call, while Jim keeps up the role as William M. Buttlicker. It’s pretty silly, but it makes for some great laughs.

Andy is still planning and organizing his marriage to Coward (aka Angela). He has managed to score a great tentist. Unfortunately, Coward doesn’t want to be married in a tent, like a hobo. Andy is frustrated. Coward caves, but only under these circumstances. The tent has to be in a hand-plowed field. There has to be a barn old enough to see the stars when you lay on your back (like when you’re having sex) and antique tools to look at when you roll over (after bumping uglies with Dwight). Finally, anything within an 5 to 8 mile radius is acceptable. We can all see where this is going.

Dwight has a super secret meeting with Jim in his Trans Am. He wants to discuss who could possibly benefit from their downfall. Jim is wondering how many shoes Pam could possibly need. Dwight thinks he’s talking to him, so he answers. Jim tells him that he’s not talking to him, he’s talking to Pam. Dwight is confused.

Back in the office, Andy manages to find the perfect place. Schrute Farms. While he celebrates, Dwight is on the phone with a customer. Then, he starts freaking out from paranoia. He suspects Kelly of being on the line at the same time, so he runs to her cubicle as fast as possible. Jim follows. As suspected (for us at least), Kelly is just doing her makeup when Dwight surprises her. He continues to accuse her anyways of being a key part of the conspiracy to destroy him. Kelly tells him to get out of her nook. “That’s what she said! That’s what she said!”

Later, Jim apologizes to Kelly for Dwight’s outburst. He asks about her and Darryl, and she strangely just says, “We’re cool. Bye.” Pam reminds him that Kelly has never had a conversation where she didn’t go on for 15 minutes without taking a breath. So, he goes to Ryan to find out. Ryan starts giving advice to Jim, when Jim notices Ryan’s mug. It’s exactly the same one Andy has but with his face instead. Kelly gave them out as party favors for her America’s Got Talent Party over the summer. Everyone got them. Everyone but Jim and Dwight. So, Jim returns to Dwight and tells him he was right. Right Dwight is super pumped about being right, and then switches to attack mode. Thankfully, Jim is there to stop him.

Instead of beating the crap out of Kelly, the have a meeting with her and Michael to get to the bottom of the matter. Dwight and Jim reveal that they called all the customers and they all said that they gave them great marks. Kelly throws out a few diversions, such as the classic, “I was raped” scenario. She finally caves and says it was because they said they would come, but they didn’t and they’re bad friends. Michael dismisses Jim and Dwight. It seems she struck a cord with Michael. He can relate. No one ever comes to his guacamole parties or any event he plans outside of the office. Makes sense why he held the baby shower there. Michael asks Kelly to just sit there for a while and try to make herself cry. So she tries but they both bust up laughing, while Dwight and Jim curiously look in from the outside.

Pam gets a visit from Dumpy at her office. It’s really strange. He came to kidnap her to see a Chuck Close perspective. She has to work though. Then, things get awkward. He has to talk to Pam about something else, but they need to go somewhere else to talk about it. Pam agrees, but keeps Jim on the other line. In a private room, Dumpy lays it down. He thinks that Pam shouldn’t move back to Scranton. Pam is stunned. Jim rightfully suspects that Dumpy is making a move. Which he is, but he uses the veil that Pam should stay there and explore her career in art. She reminds Dumpy that Jim is in Scranton. Dumpy reminds her that even if she remotely thinks she wants to be an artist, he thinks she should stay. Then he leaves her to their thoughts. Pam is worried. Jim looks about as angry as we’ve ever seen him.

We end with Dwight, Andy, and Coward in the conference room going over their recent reservations to have their wedding at Schrute Farms. Dwight is semi-professional about it. As he shows a creepy folder of past weddings, he reassures Coward that he will work tirelessly to make her happy. Dwight also takes the wedding out of Andy’s joyously thankful hands.

I’m not a huge fan of how this episode just left us hanging on these two very powerful (and fairly negative) tones. We’ve got Pam and Jim forced to actually think about the future of Pam’s career and their relationship and cutting out after Dumpy drops his load. Then, we have Coward still making me sick to my stomach, as she continues to drag Andy around obliviously, and deciding to choose to have the wedding at her (former?) lover’s grounds and Dwight going along with it without shame. However, the rest of the episode is pretty funny as usual, and I do like seeing Andy squirm as he tries to retain his anger. I just want him to finally explode. Not just for us, but for him. He needs it, especially since his douchechill fiance isn’t giving it to him.

4 out of 5 Dwigt Foreheads.