Hello again, dear readers. This post I have a special treat for you. TVZ intel recently intercepted this document from Lost‘s favorite Other, Ben Linus. Enjoy.

Benjamin Linus Presents: “A True Player’s Guide to Scoring Ladies”

I get asked almost every day, “Ben, how did you become so suave with the ladies?”…and man, I don’t really know what to say. I guess some people are just born with it.

What follows are the tried and true techniques that will get you into the good graces (and hopefully pantaloons) of any fine little philly you may have your eyes on.

So guys, this is for you — take some notes. I’m going to single-handedly change your life.

First of all, you need to know how to talk to women. Obviously you wouldn’t be reading this if you didn’t have that problem, so I’m going to assume we need to go to square one and just give you some lines that have worked for me.

“Sure, that’s cool. You can go home. Oops…wait just a second. I think if you left now, your baldy cancer sister would probably die.”

This works best when accompanied by some creepy voyeur video footage of baldy cancer sister.

“I’ve got a magic box that anything can come out of…but I’m more interested in ****ing in your magic box.”

Irresistable.

“Sure, I may dress like the treasurer at a Presbyterian church. I’m short. And my eyeballs protrude from my face like a constipated Arnold Schwarzenegger on the surface of Mars without a helmet. But I could have everyone you’ve ever loved vanish with just a phonecall.”

You’ll be picking out His and Hers towels in no time.

“I’m kinda into genocide.”

Gold pressed latinum, gentleman.

“We don’t need to use a condom. If you get pregnant, you’ll just die anyway.”

A personal favorite.

Okay, those should get you started. Now let’s move on to techniques to make any woman move from someone you know to someone you own.

The best way to keep them close is to completely remove any option of leaving. In some cases, I mean that quite literally. Shackles, cages — all good means of keeping the object of your affections right there by your side. I use a bit broader technique of stranding them on an island, but really — it’s your call.

You’ve also got to make it clear that with little or no effort, you can have their family executed. Don’t bring it up every five minutes, but just drop it into conversation every once in a while to make sure she doesn’t forget.

“…and then we snuck in and stole the orphaned children while they slept. Also, I can have your family executed. Anyway, as I was saying…”

If they’ve already got a man, send him off on some kind of mission in which he is likely to die. This way you’re not directly killing him yourself and you can be there for her when she’s all distraught.

Also, always always show them the dead rotting corpse of their old boyfriend. It creates some finality to their previous relationship and helps them move on.

Well, hopefully this is enough to get you started. Of course I have many more techniques I could teach you, but I can’t reveal all of my secrets at once. You know that’s not my style.

I will conclude this with a quote from a true ladies man and a personal hero:

“Now, you listen to me. I made you. You were nothing before you met me, and you’ll be nothing without me. B*tch, I will ****ing cut you.”
- Ike Turner, 1977