Warning: The following contains spoilers and definitively reveals the answers to questions you didn’t even know you had about Lost.

Now, I have to apologize in advance to my colleagues here at Television Zombies because I’m sure the info I’m about to leak will result in a cease and desist from ABC, but it’s time for some REAL answers. And I’m the one that has them.

Let’s get right into it.

Alrighty…first of all…last Thursday’s episode introduced the character of Minkowski. He’s the ship’s communications officer. Right? We only know him as Minkowski because that’s who he identified himself as. Don’t be so quick to believe this man when he says he’s George Minkowski. Anyone remember Henry Gale? Or Sawyer? Don’t make bets based on names in Lost, we see how they have paid off in the past.

Well, no use keeping your finger in that dike, Little Dutch Boy, ‘cuz this dam is about to runneth over with “OH SNAP”.

The truth, friends, is that the man who was being held in sick bay is none other than Dr. Ben Jahrvi, former employee of the US Department of Defense and member of a robotics development team that was hired to create the perfect mechanical weapon. Where’s the overly stereotypical Indian accent, Dr. Jahrvi, eh? Quite the actor this one is. And boy oh boy, that was quite a convincing brain hemorrhage. Turbans off to you, sir.

Locke wants answers. He wants to know what the smoke monster is. If he wasn’t so busy feeding exploding appetizers to small angry Asian men, maybe he’d put it together that the smoke monster is actually “Number Johnny Six”! Dr. Jahrvi unlocked the secret to artificial intelligence and the future of robotics when his previous project “Number Five”, otherwise known as “Johnny Five”, was struck by lightning. That event was the first in a series that led Dr. Jahrvi to the South Pacific to work with the Darma Initiative to develop what we’ve grown accustomed to calling “The Smoke Monster”.

The clues were a little buried, I must admit, but you just have to know where to look. What, did you need Daniel Farraday to wink into the camera when he told Desmond that Eloise’s brain “short circuited”? Maybe follow that up with an “Eh…EH?”

To further explode your brain, the “Mystery Numbers”, when rearranged according to their alphabetical counterpart and through the wonders of numerology, a secret message is revealed. “Johnny Six is alive”. OH. SNAP.

Mystery solved. Good job, gang.

Don’t even get me started about how Penny Widmore is actually a Terminator and Dr. Jahrvi is responsible for Skynet. I don’t want to ruin the series for everyone.